I wish I could teleport
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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