either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
