I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
