i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
