3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
