He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
