Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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