im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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