I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
