my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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