i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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