I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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