I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
