i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
