Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I am available for nakedness
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
