It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
