Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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