I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
