Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
