If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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