If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
