"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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