I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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