I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
