Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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