That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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