6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
