I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Randomize
