Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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