You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I believe in your delicious
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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