I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
