I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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