By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
