he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I checked into jail on foursquare
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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