I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
