Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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