Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I can't turn off my feet"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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