today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
