o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Randomize
