I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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