she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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