He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
