I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
