I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i love accidental penises.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
