8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
