I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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