I just cut my nipple shaving
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Cover your peen. We're going out.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
