I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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