omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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