hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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