He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
